Friday, April 23, 2010

Selfishness and accountability.

I've been selfish.

In part, I think, it's a product of my circumstances. Feeling adrift for 9 or 10 months meant that I turned inward a whole lot, and it seems I've been in a somewhat consistent state of nursing various wounds and making sure this frame still stands up and can walk around and stuff.

Not that I've been in a consistent state of extreme depression. The above is looking pretty melodramatic. Just that I've been awfully focused on getting up each morning and seeing each day through.

I'm starting to wake up from that now. Things are beginning to happen. Rachel and I are most likely signing a lease tonight, and there's a future--one that isn't sequestered, one that I can build a home on--to look forward to. That, and I'm getting a book review published, and there's the potential to get other book reviews published. I'm still writing my own stuff too, and it's a small start, but hey, things are starting to happen, life is starting to happen and I'm starting to be a citizen of the world again and not some ugly, frozen, shut-in thing.

I'm starting to realize that I've thrown a lot of caring and amazing folks to the wayside.

Evey was supposed to visit a few months ago, and I guess that both of us got really busy--and we didn't talk about it much--so some other stuff for work cropped up and she wound up having to cancel the trip. And as I recall it was one that she really sorta needed, to clear her head and stuff. After that, I made no effort whatsoever to stay in touch with her. That is, until the Week of Ear Misery, when I hadn't slept in something like 4 days, was drinking wine, and decided we ought to video chat. She refused, and I started falling asleep...we spoke for all of 5 minutes. She Facebooked me after that and wanted to reconnect, but I was just too crazybusy and made no effort. And she's a close friend, and I love her, and despite illness and what-have-you I really haven't been good to her.

Max, too, was supposed to visit and had to cancel at the last minute. I've owed him a letter for weeks. After asking if I could crash at his house next month I made other plans in the interim, before he got back to me. It probably seems like I don't care at all, but I really do care an awful lot.

Dave is like a brother. He's always been there for me, and lately I've taken advantage of that. I've only spoken to him when something's going really, really wrong, and then I've whined at him forever and not really gotten a sense of anything going on in his life. I feel pretty bad about that, and I hope he knows that I really do care about him, and that I want to hear all about his life, and that he's amazing.

These are sorta big-deal fuck-ups. And yeah, most of them have had a lot to do with the fact that I'm in an awkward situation. But I'm coming out of it, and it's time to shape up. What stings is that I think I do stuff like this all the time, unconsciously, and that I've been this way for awhile. I take advantage of people, I fuck them over. Maybe part of being an adult is realizing you're flawed and doing your best to make it up to the people that matter most. I'm privileged to have friends who'll set me straight, who'll tell me up front that I'm being a jerk. It makes this juncture in my life a lot easier.

There's been some other stuff, too. I made a really out-of-line comment to Rachel last week. Though I realized my error and apologized immediately, I don't think I understood the extent to which it hurt her. It was a stupid thing to say, too, and I didn't mean it at all--it just slipped out by accident.

Similarly, when Caroline and I should've been cleaning up after the FEB meeting on Wednesday, instead I was upstairs wrapped up in a conversation about Haruki Murakami. When I came downstairs and apologized for my absence, Caroline said something along the lines of: "Yeah...you kinda do this a lot. Disappear when you're needed. Try not to, OK?"

And she was right.

I'm fucking up at work, too. And it isn't for lack of trying.

Another aspect of this whole growing up thing, I guess, is that instead of wallowing in guilt and overdramatizing everything, I'm acknowledging my faults and trying to change my behavior. Especially now that I'm finally reaching some kind of harmonious accord with my day-to-day routine, it's time I woke up.

It's been a humbling week or two. But in a healthy, proactive way. Reality's settling cozily on my shoulders, I hope.

This entry's probably the most self-centered thing I've done in some time, but I think it was necessary. I had to put this out in the open somewhere. And this is what these blogs thing are for, ain't it?

END OF RANT.

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